Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
