I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
