I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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