I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
