Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
