i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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