Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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