So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize