I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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