You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
