Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
