You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
