His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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