just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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