I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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