I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
