I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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