I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
