dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.