Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
