3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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