Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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