listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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