and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I am one with the molecules
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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