I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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