so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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