He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
