drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
