Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I love you.
Bad choice
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