Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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