He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
