i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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