So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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