i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
