I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
