I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
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i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
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Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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