WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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