You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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