Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
