Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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