I puked a lego.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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