Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
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