No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
sex in a hospital.. check
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
