420 ftw
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
