Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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