i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
