Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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