think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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