Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
