whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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