I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
