I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
