I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
