Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
